excerpt written on Sunday, June 18, 2023
He did it. Your dad won. He got what he wanted. He's separating us. It's over. I'm mainly angry at the fact that he will never see me fit for his son. part of me doesn't blame him. I mean how could he allow a sinful Hispanic into the world of Islam? To him, that's what I am and that's all I'll ever be.
My heart is broken. I don't even have words for how devastated and ruined I feel. All these years I have imagined my life with you and that future will never happen because of YOUR DAD.
I have tried so hard these past weeks to move on with my life as normal because other people depend on me, my education, my family, and my career is waiting. I haven't been able to sleep in the apartment since the night we talked. It all reminds me of you. You were my life, my other half. I couldn't stay. I moved out as soon as I could. Yet, I am back at my parent's house where it seems like I am lost. It feels like these four walls are part of a hotel where I am a guest and not at home. You were my home. This isn't my home. I don't know what to do without you. How can I live without you?
I am crying pathetically at 4:42 AM because I can't sleep. All I can think about is you. Where did I go wrong? Could I have done more? How does he feel? I had hope for us. I really did. I have been waiting for a text from you saying it's going to be okay and we're going to get back to normal. My anxiety has risen because I keep thinking What if he texts me right now? it would not be a good time considering I am tutoring a third grader. I couldn't possibly deal with the emotions. These thoughts clouded my head 24/7. Until your sister cleared the sky.
I went by to borrow something and knowing she would lend it, it was my only option. I walked into her house thinking our life would be the same in a few days. You would realize that you can't live without me. And you would come running back. But I left her house on the verge of a panic attack and with 0% hope. She told me your dad is not a regular man, I knew this from the first day I met you. I knew your dad was controlling and manipulative. I knew your culture raised you in a way that impedes a woman from having a voice. I knew this. BUT I knew you. You were nothing like him. I saw how patient and caring you were. I noticed how much you cared about others before yourself. I saw that and I thought you would care for me the same way.
There were so many times I wished I was your friend instead of your girlfriend because many times, you put them in front of me. They took priority. You made me feel crazy for thinking I should have been first. Many times I wish you were there with me but instead, you insisted you needed “your time off”. I had countless panic attacks, because of you. I was so conflicted as to why I had to beg someone for their attention, especially if that someone was the one who loved me. You made me feel crazy. To not escalate anything, I always ended up apologizing. Saying sorry and that I understand. “I understand.” I ALWAYS was understanding. I always ended up saying sorry. Why? Why did you never understand me?
As much as I am in pain, I need this. I need a life where I'm not questioning every part of my relationship. I need a partner who will fight for me, for us, for better or for worse.
Here's the part where I get to tell you one last time that I get it. You can't do anything. You were raised in a way that is truly unimaginable for me. You live in a culture where their way is the only way, I get it. But for that reason, I'm out. (shark tank reference).
Truly though, I need to let you go.
. . .
. . ...more to come...